Vunerability

Vulnerability. I dislike it, a lot. From a very young age I taught myself that being vulnerable=being weak. And when you are weak, people will prey. And when they prey, you will get hurt. Badly. Unfortunately, I taught myself these things from past life experiences.
Do not let them know you are sad. Do not tell them you are scared.
Having AJ as a son makes me feel extremely vulnerable, but it is also one of the very best things about being his mom!
I knew early on in his diagnosis that I needed to be brave, and strong. I must not show anyone that I am terrified, humiliated, and deeply saddened. Although I would consider myself a strong mother, it was also killing me to hide the fear and sadness. I have always been an open book especially on FB, but not particularly vulnerable, just open. And ill be honest, as soon as I started to let my vulnerability wall down, I was hurt. Family members blocked/deleted me from FB, talked behind my back about my postings, and even my own sister implied that AJ was autistic because I didn't treat him like he was "normal", and that I only ever treated him like he was different. *insert knife in back*. The people I thought that would be the most supportive of our situation either insulted me or scattered like cockroaches in the light. So much for being vulnerable eh? Even to this day, each time I post something in reference to difficulty or sadness, everyone is so quick to challenge that my life isn't "that bad", or that it could be "much worse".  As if I don't know this already...So please, inform me of how my life could be SO much worse, cause that's exactly what I was wanting to hear when I was in need of love and support.
Vulnerability brings an ugliness out of people that just disgusts me. It also brings a genuine sincerity out of people that I have never seen before! I'll never forget the first time after AJ's diagnosis I just let go- I cried hysterically on the phone to my best friend. Through my gasps for air, and the stream of stinging tears burning my cheeks, she listened. No judgment, few words. She just listened. I had NEVER been that vulnerable, that raw, with anyone! She's been my best friend, my second sister, for 23 years and I don't think I've ever let her in the way I did that day. Then one by one, friends, acquaintance's, distant family, old high school buddies, started to message me on FB, text me, even call! They'd send the sweetest, most uplifting, messages/texts. I was in awe. For the first time in my life I saw the positive side of being vulnerable. And it is all because of AJ. Being his mother has taught me that being ME: being vulnerable, being scared, it was all ok! There will always be a critic, and to them I say: go scratch! I am evolving into exactly who I need to be for my son. I am evolving into exactly who I need to be for my husband. I am evolving into exactly the person I was supposed to be. Vulnerable.

I welcome you, 2014!

I am a firm believer in doing things that make you happy; that make you feel good. I've been wanting to start blogging for a while but never took the time for myself to do so. Well, no better time than now! I feel like I have so much to say, so much to share, so many emotions/passions/feelings that are dying to be expressed. Having become a mother of a Dup15q AND autistic son, I am in need of an outlet:
2013 was a pretty intense year. We sold our first home (our baby), and it sold TOO quickly for my comfort. I felt like I had just begun making good friends in Patterson, then I decided to up and move? That's typically my MO. It's the crazy gypsy whispering in my ear I suppose. Little did I know at the time how beneficial it would be to our family to move. (Although, there are still times I do miss Patterson, and the MOMs Club). House hunting in the Brentwood area was an extremely humbling experience. I am a better, wiser, person for it.
Then there's AJ. My super sweet son who was diagnosed with a duplicated 15th chromosome in April, then diagnosed with autism about six months later. BAM. How do you process that? How do you recover? Well, you don't. You just keep going because you have no other choice. You wake up each day, plaster on your smile, and dry your tears before your child can see them. I really had no idea how strong a mother/wife I could be, until I had to be. Most often it is my husband who is weeping while I read aloud the most current evaluation of our son. He turns to me for comfort and simultaneously I turn to be comforted too, but when I turn, I see no one. Who's shoulder do I cry on when I'm "the shoulder" in our family?
I'd like to shake 2013 off my leg like you would a mounting dog...Unfortunately, that's not how it works. I cant shake this. This is my life. So, I welcome you 2014!